I read this on BHW
“I PUT HER ON THE HORSE THAT KILLED HER” Brianna’s Story A diary of her daughter by Vinecia L. Walker Born an Angel On May 31, 2001 I gave birth to our first child, a little girl, Brianna Lynn. 10 toes, check, 10 fingers, check, and the doctor said she’s healthy. Our own ‘little angel’ THANK YOU GOD! We were so proud of her. At 5 days old we put her on her first horse. At Christmas she started crawling to the dog, Rooster, our red healer. For the next year and a half her love for the horses and the other animals grew to match my love for them. She’s now riding by herself with us leading the horse. She thinks she’s big stuff! She went everywhere with us. Bradley and I agreed that we didn’t have her for someone else to take care of. “If we cant go and keep up with her ourselves, then we won"t go. ” So she experienced everything we did, team roping, barrel racing, softball, and going to the lake to camp. As soon as she was old enough to understand that “sit still and don’t talk” was important when you’re hunting, her and daddy were off to the woods to scout for deer. Then spring rolled around and it’s turkey hunting time. SHE LOVED IT!! Her and dad watched hunting shows all the time on TV. She’s 3 years old and walks around with a hand-held turkey call - practicing. In fact, she can hoot like an owl without using a call. Thanks dad. As if listening to one of you all the time wasn’t bad enough, now I have two of you “gobblin’ & hootin‘” around the house. But one was not enough Brianna has been begging for a baby brother or a baby sister. “I’ll be a good big sister and help you change diapers and feed it for you” she said. Christmas morning 2004 we told her, “you’re going to be a big sister” and she was so excited. I asked her if she wanted a little brother or a little sister? “I want 5 baby brothers and 5 baby sisters. ” My reply was, “you’re crazy!!” Brianna and I both laughed. New Years came and went, and on that Monday I lost the baby. We told Brianna that it went to live with Jesus. She seemed to understand and didn’t ask very many questions. We were heart- broken but thanked God that we had Brianna. If she is all we every get to have, that’s ok. That’s more than some couples get. Brianna discovers barrel racing Now Brianna is riding all by herself on a 19 year old gelding named “Slug” that Bradley raised. I started teaching her and Slug the barrel racing pattern. It didn’t take but a few trips to the practice pen for them to get it down pat. We soon joined the Missouri Family Rodeo Association so we could, as a family, rodeo together. It’s rodeo day and she is so excited she can’t hardly wait. We get to the arena and she tells everyone that she is going to barrel race “all by myself. Cause I’m big now.” It’s finally her turn and I lead her in the arena while dad video tapes. I face Slug toward the barrels and away they went. My chest was about to explode with pride. By the time they reached the first barrel I was in tears. I’ve waited three and a half years for my baby to get to do something that I love doing. I’ve never been more proud of anything in all my life! I cried the entire one and half minutes it took her to walk the pattern. As she rounded the third barrel she kicked him into a trot and the audience cheered and clapped. Walking back out the gate you would have thought she just won the world. Dad and I couldn’t have been more proud if she had. Every parent leads their kids This routine continued for several rodeos. Now she has started pole bending on her pony also. It’s time to pick up the pace and start trotting the whole pattern. So to build up her confidence dad and I took turns. We, on foot, would take off running around the barrels while Brianna and Slug chased us at a trot. She got to doing great at practice, even if she wasn’t following us, but typically would brake the pattern at the rodeos. She now has the crowd wrapped around her little finger and it’s sometimes more fun to go to the fence and giggle with them. She’s such a ham! But, that’s “OK” I’d tell myself, “she’s not even 4 yet, there’s plenty of time for being serious, let her have fun while she’s little. ” And when she got back to the gate I’d tell her “good job, I’m proud of you” and gave her a high fives. Now she wants to start goat tying. I told her she wasn’t big enough, “you’ll have to grow some. ” Her reply was “I did grow!” I told her when she could get off of her horse by herself she could do it. And the practice started. She is a determined little girl. I might ad, she weighs 34 pounds and stands only 39 inches tall. Slug on the other hand weighs 1100 pounds and is over 15 hands tall. But she refuses to use the pony. Our Angel - is an Angel It is quite entertaining to watch as she dangles off his side cause she doesn’t want to let go, but yells “no, no, I do it myself” when you try to help. This continues as she has now decided that she wants to carry the American Flag in the grand entry. When she and I went to the practice pen we had to use her flag as though we were the line judges flagging each others time. She is so much fun and everyday is a new experience for her and for us. She is such a good kid, we could snap our fingers or just give her “the look” if she did something she wasn’t suppose to and she’d quit. She has never thrown a fit in public or embarrassed us by her behavior. She says “please” and “thank you” and we get a lot of compliments on her. Don’t get me wrong, she is still a kid, and she will try us occasionally. My mom always told us kids that “you can be typical kid at home, but, when we go out in public you better be good.” Brianna is a very special little girl, or maybe I’m just partial. A little girl bonds with her best friend For the next few months we rodeo'd a lot, Bradley took her fishing every Saturday morning and we spent a lot of time with the rest of our family. Brianna and Rooster are now inseparable. When we get home he runs to the truck to meet her. And every evening she gets him down, sits on him, and sorts through his hair like a little monkey picking any ticks she might find. I never said she was a normal child. She also gets a kick out of trying to ride him. One afternoon after riding, we had Slug and a young filly tied up to the trailer. They got crossed up and Slug caved in the fender before we could get them untied. It was our fault, but still, we were mad at him. Oh, we wanted to whip him, but Brianna stood there with tears rolling down her face saying “don’t you hurt my horse, I love him & he loves me!!!” So we tied him to the tree by the barn away from the filly. Baseball & BB Guns It’s T-Ball season now and she wants to play. Practice is hilarious to watch! We never pushed her to do any of the activities she does. She wants to do everything! We just help her practice whatever it is she is wanting to do. Yes, she is spoiled!! But as long as she appreciates the things we do for her and continues to behave, we’ll keep spoiling her. May 31 is growing near, birthday #4. We bought her a swing set, then she tells us she wants a BB gun so she can learn to shoot. She wants to kill her own deer and turkey. “HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY GIRL!” we celebrate her birthday each year at the lake on Memorial weekend with the whole family. The next weekend we sold her pony, Amber. We had bought Amber for her third birthday. She doesn’t ride her very often any more cause she chooses Slug. When they left the house with the pony Brianna cried and reminded me that “she was my birthday present and now that you got rid of her I don’t have a present for that birthday!” Did I mention that she was too stinking smart. So, dad’s going shopping for a BB gun this week so she has a present for that birthday. Tuesday morning, rise and shine, the sun is up and it’s a beautiful day. We got ready and off to daycare we went. Only,this morning Brianna didn’t want to stay and play outside in the sprinklers with her friends. “I want to go with you mama” she said. Normally I only let her go with me to work on Fridays because I don’t have any paper work to do then. She likes her teachers and usually don’t have any problem getting her to stay unless she doesn’t feel good and she felt fine this morning. But for some reason I didn’t make her stay. We got in the truck and headed out to the first farm of the day. We laughed and talked and enjoyed spending the day together. We finished up the days work and headed home. All the way home she kept reminding me that she wanted to ride Slug and practice. Saddling up for another days ride When dad got home we all saddled up. Brianna and I went to the pasture to practice switching hands when she makes a turn. Slug started acting up when dad rode by on his way to bottom hay field where he was going to ride at. I got a little scared because Slug has never acted like that. So I took Brianna off of him and put her on my horse and I walked beside her leading Slug. We went back to the house but she didn’t want to stop riding. “I want to go to the arena and practice” she asked. “No, lets put ‘em up for today and we’ll ride again tomorrow. ” “But I really want to practice, please” she begged. “Ok, we’ll go.” I gave in. The arena is at the neighbors house a half mile down the dirt road. We had made this trip many times. Once Slugs ‘buddy’ was out of sight he settled down and I asked Brianna if she wanted to ride Slug or my horse. She said “Slug’s acting stupid. ” I told her “he is fine now. If you want to ride him you can. Which one do you want to ride?” “Slug” was her answer. So I put her back on him. We got half way to the arena and I got a really funny feeling in my gut. “I don’t want to go the arena” I thought to myself. So, I told her that I needed to go back to the house to use the bathroom. I lied. I’d never lied to her before, but this feeling in my gut, something wasn’t right. Slug spooks and rears up She said ok and we headed back to the house. About 40 yards before we got home we met back up with the cat which typically follows us when we ride so it wasn’t an unusual situation. But this time, and only God knows why, Slug spooked. I saw him bow his neck looking at the cat standing just inside the fence line by a tree. I thought “he never spooks from anything. ” Again I got scared, this is not normal behavior for him, and I stepped down off my horse to take her off of him. I wasn’t fast enough. Just as my feet hit the ground Slug reared up and fell over backwards landing on our Baby Girl! After he rolled off of her I thought “she’s ok, she looks fine, she’s just knocked out.” As I bent over to pick her up the blood started flowing out of her nose and mouth. “Oh God, no, no, please God!” I screamed for help as loud as I could. “Please, somebody hear me.” I carried her the rest of the way to house, screaming for help, and running as fast as I could. Bradley was to far from the house to hear me and our closest neighbor is a half mile away. I got to the house and called 911, I knew there was no way she could survive that much force on her little body, but I can’t give up. With 911 on the house phone I carried her back outside so I could get signal on my cell phone. I put the cell phone on speaker and tried to call someone from the family to help me. I knew they could get here faster than the ambulance and I need help now! But they couldn‘t understand me. “Is she breathing?” the operator asked. “No!” I replied. “Does she have a pulse?” “Yes” “You have to breathe for her, can you do that?” “Yes. ” And he walked me through step by step. “That breath was too big, she’s just a baby. Use smaller breaths. ” He could tell by listening to me if I was doing it right or not. Again he asked me “does she still have a pulse?” “Oh God, just barely. It’s really weak. ” “It stopped! I can’t feel it beating!!” Calmly he asked me “do you know CPR?” “I took lessons years ago but I’ve never used it” “You’re going to have to do chest compressions, do you remember how?” “Yes, I think so.” I started full CPR on her. And again, he walked me through each step. Now I can hear the sirens coming. I continued working on Brianna and listening to the sirens for what felt like forever. “They’ve missed the turn. I’ve heard ’em to long they should’ve been here by now. They had to have missed it!!” I franticly told the operator. Help finally arrives Finally! The first vehicle pulled in the driveway. It was a first responder from the fire department. I was so relieved to see someone that might be able to save her. When he took over the CPR I hung up the phone and told him I had to find Bradley. The horses were loose in the yard so I grabbed my barrel horse and took off running as hard as he could run. Bradley was on his way back to the house when we met up. I had blood all over my clothes, hands and face and all I could say was “It’s Brianna!!!” We then turned and ran back to the house as fast as the horses legs could take us. By now there was several people working on Brianna. All of my family lives several hours away and I want them here, now. I’m going to need them all no matter what this outcome is. I called my sister in Arkansas and told her to go get mom and get here, they are the closest ones. Then I called my sister in Mississippi. She and I had become very close since Brianna’s birth and the two shared the same birthday. Bradley’s dad, uncle and grandpa were here now and his mom came shortly later. “I’ll call my brother from the hospital” I thought as the ambulance pulled up. They worked on her for a long time before I heard the helicopter land in the field right in front of the house. They kept on working on her. When I asked “why aren’t they loading her” I was told “she was being prepped.” Once they loaded her we got in the truck and all headed for the hospital. This is normally a 30-40 minute drive. It felt like hours. All the way I begged God to show me a miracle. “You’ve showed me you can take her life, please God, show me you can give it back. ” “If you have to have someone I’ll take her place. Please God, don’t take her!” I begged, pleaded and prayed all the way to the hospital. Arriving at the hospital When we got in the emergency room they took us into a counseling room. They told us that the surgeon would be in to talk to us in a minute. I thought to myself “he better not stop working on our baby to come talk to us. ” The next thing he said was that when she arrived at the hospital she was trying to breath on her own. “I did it! I kept her alive!!!” I thought. “But her injuries were so severe that her heart couldn’t keep up. She died a few minutes ago. I’m sorry. ” The next thing I heard in my head was Brianna saying, “Don’t you hurt my horse, I love him and he loves me.” I turned to Bradley and made him promise not to shoot Slug. We gave God a child in January, why is he taking Brianna too, she’s all we have. I don’t understand and I’m mad as hell, if I could get my hands on him, I’d choke him! We spent the next couple hours holding the body of our Baby Girl and sang songs to her that we usually sing together. I know we’re not suppose to question Gods will and only he knows what was in her future, but I want to know why? I want to know why he is taking her from friends and family that love her more than anything in the world, but leaves a child who is abused, unloved, unwanted, and left hungry. Not that I think they should’ve died instead, but for them it would be a relief from a horrible life. The nurses came back in and asked “would you like hand and foot prints done and a lock of her hair for a keep sake?” “Yes, please. ” Bradley tried to clean up my face before we went back out. Leaving her lay there on that bed and walking away was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. When we left that room, the council room and the lobby was full of friends and family. How did some of them find out so fast? Everybody knew that she was dead, but the looks on their faces said that they weren’t expecting to see me covered in her blood. We got home about 12 o’clock and Bradley’s boss and a co-worker were waiting in the drive way. Just at that moment I remembered, there was a big puddle of blood in the kitchen where I stood holding her while I dialed 911. I dreaded going in and having to step over it to get in. But when I opened the door it was gone, everything was cleaned up. Later I found out that the neighbor had cleaned it up and took care of the horses that were running loose. Life barely moves on “I’m having a bad nightmare and when I wake up in the morning she’ll be in her bed just like usual.” I slept for a couple of hours but when the sun came up our beautiful blue eyed, blonde haired, loving, sassy little girl was still gone. She’s our world, how does this world keep turning without her? I’m in shock and don’t know how life goes on when our lives revolved around her. As a mom, of course I think that my baby is special, all moms do. But for the next few days I watched big burly men that show no emotions for anything, melt like butter and cry uncontrollably right along with the women. Rooster runs with excitement to every vehicle that pulls in the driveway. But when Brianna didn’t get out of it, he moped back over and laid down at our feet. And Slug? For two weeks strait every time Bradley or I went outside he would be standing at the yard fence looking at the house, not eating grass with the other horses, just standing, staring, like he knew what he’d done. Brianna’s smile and uplifting personality made her special. There were times that the cars were parked a quarter of a mile up the road, people bringing food and their prayers. Thursday night was visitation Thursday night was visitation. After a private viewing with family only, we closed her casket. I don’t want people to see her just laying there, not laughing. She was always laughing and cutting up and that is what I want their last image to be. Poster boards of pictures lined the entry room of the funeral home. For the next few hours people came in in a steady line. The funeral home director estimated 1300-1500 people. He said he saw several go in without signing the book. “I’m not just partial. My baby is special!” Not just to her family but to everyone that met her. My brother and I sat up most of the night talking. He told me “Brianna always acted and talked older than her age. “I can’t help but think that she was an angel that escaped from heaven just so she could bless our lives, and God needed her back. ” The funeral The funeral showed another big crowd and the kids in the 9 and under age group from the rodeo association brought balloons for a balloon release. I asked Bradley that night as we sat up talking “why aren’t you mad at me?” “Why would I be?” he asked back. Crying I said “because I wasn’t fast enough! I could see it happening but I couldn’t get to her to get her off!!” (I even had a lead rope on him but lost my hold) He hugged me and said “I’ve watched you take care of her for four years, I know you did everything you could. ” “But I know if it had been you with her, I’d hate you for it,even though I’d know you did all you could” I explained. He then said in a crackly voice “I know - that’s why God knew it had to be you with her when it happened. So you wouldn’t blame anyone else. ” It's now been 5 months since the accident It’s been 5 months tonight since the accident and the simplest daily tasks are difficult to do. Getting out of bed, going to work, balancing the check book, paying the bills and even remembering what it was I was fixing to do, have all become a chore. Through the day we somewhat function, but bedtime is my hardest time of day. For four years and one week we said our prayers together and never went to sleep without hugs and kisses. Brianna had never spent the night away from me. We made a heart shaped rock flower bed out of the plants and flowers from the funeral so I spend a lot of time setting out there talking to her and saying our nightly prayers. I want to feel her arms squeezed around my neck and her soft little lips as she kisses me saying “love you bunches.” And “sweet dreams, don’t let the bed bugs bite you.” I miss hearing her giggle as she says “race ya!” when were walking through the yard. I put her back on the horse that killed her. He always took care of her. He has never ever spooked before. All the “what ifs” and “whys” still run through my head, along with the horrifying images that I still see. I can’t see blood without seeing her bloody face again and getting sick at my stomach. I have always had a stomach of steel and now I can’t even watch TV without getting queasy. I know that I have to learn to deal with that, but I don’t know how. I’ve read several books on loosing a child to accidents and illness, but not one of them has the story of a parent seeing the accident happen and not being able to stop it. I wish I was the only parent that has lived this nightmare, but I’m sure I’m not. Everyday out of the blue those images will pop up and I see it happen all over again. Every night I ask “If you’re gonna leaves us here God, please give us the strength to make it through tomorrow,” and every morning I have to force myself to get up and leave the house. God has a plan for us God has a plan for each one of us, something he needs us to do. Brianna did hers in 4 very short years. The preacher that had married Bradley and I told us one night while we showed him the flower bed, that Brianna had touched more lives in 4 years than he had in 25 years of preaching. I don’t know what God’s plan is for me, but I wont accomplish it by laying around feeling sorry for myself. The sooner I do whatever it is he needs me to do, the sooner I can go hold my Baby Girl again. So, I have work to do and from the words of George Strait’s new song I’ll see you on the other side, which was played at her funeral, “It might be a long hard ride, but I’ll take it.” I wont like the ride without Brianna, but we have to take it. People have asked if we’ll have any more kids and if we do, will we put them on a horse. Once we learn how to manage the stress and the uncontrollable emotions, we will. Some people have asked “why was a 4 year old even on a horse?” To those people I ask “why do you put your children in a car, or on a 4-wheeler, an airplane, on a skateboard, or even a bicycle so they can ride out in front of a car?” A friend of the family told me that night at the hospital “we are horse people. We put our baby’s on horses everyday, and we’ll do it again tomorrow, because that is what we do.” I know, in my head, that what happened to Brianna was a freak accident and happened the way God meant it to, but my heart argues with my head and I still get very angry with God and myself. I know if it had been anybody else with her instead of me, that I would hate them for not taking care of her. I question myself bad enough. God felt she had met her goals and it was her time to go. Why else did I let her go to work with me that day and why the funny feeling in my gut on the way to the arena? I’m not saying that God planned it, but he knew it was gonna happen. God knew that I needed that last day with her and that we needed to be closer to home when it happened. Although the pain is still very fresh, it gives me comfort knowing that she is in heaven and will never have to experience pain or unhappiness. She’s not only our ‘little Angel’ she is a real angel that is watching over all of us. So tonight when you put your kids to bed ask yourself “am I proud of the life that I’ve given my kids and have I made enough memories with them to carry me through this world if tomorrow doesn’t come for them?” Your kids need those memories too, if something happens to you. I can’t imagine going through this and having to answer that question any other way but “Yes I am proud, and THANK GOD WE TOOK THE TIME TO MAKE MEMORIES!!!!” “We miss you deeply, and we love you ‘Baby Girl’. ” BRIANNA LYNN WALKER May 31, 2001 - June 7, 2005 “Our little Angel”
